Maybe a weird name for a topic but I don't really know another one and this one just popped into my head. Life is mind boggling, isn't it? There is so much we don't understand about it, so much we can't influence, but also part which we might be able to influence if we only know how.

Yes, dad's death has started this really big thinking spree in my brain and I don't know yet how to stop it. I probably don't want to stop it just yet as I feel I might find some answers to questions I have got. Then again: doesn't everyone think this and does it ever come true? Maybe not, but at least thinking about it gives me some weird sort of positive feeling. I can at least control my own thoughts. My thoughts are mine and only I can control them, which is a soothing feeling...

I'm trying to get my own act together at work. Try to prevent myself from falling in the same traps every time: that I'm not good enough, that I'm not worth it and that I'm just lousy at everything I do. Basically I'm trying to change my own set of mind to: I can do this and I will! Difficult as it is, if I don't try I will never get there and I now realise that. The same rings true for how I view work itself. Before now I always thought: I don't want to do this my whole life, I actually want to do something else and be at some other place, I only do this because I need the money. I think I might actually hurt myself by looking at it this way. So, with the start of my new half a year contract (1st of April) I decided to try and start liking my work. Not because I would want to end up at this company or I would want to end up doing this kind of work, but just because I am here now, I can learn a lot and I should make the best of it!
My intention is to look at it as if it's a crossover between a business school and a psychology class. This may sound stupid but I think it might actually work for me. I can learn so much: how things are done, but also sometimes what you should avoid, so I shouldn't cut myself in the finger but not liking it, right? Obviously my manager was really pleased to hear this and we also talked about some things they would try to do differently. For example: also letting me know when something actually goes right, not just when it goes wrong. My manager said that he thought I knew when something goes right, but that he was not sure now and that it seems like I need positive feedback instead of just negative (no news = good news sorta idea). However: I know I'm the only person who can give me a better feeling about myself, but speaking my mind earlier and not trying to cope with it all by myself will help.

Next to this obviously a lot is going on in our lives at the moment. We are still reeling from the shock of dad's illness and death. Angela has taken the lead in sorting through the papers and arranging what needs to be arranged. Unfortunately she also digs up a lot of things that has not been arranged properly and it's really strange to find those kind of things. As all of the sisters and also Tiny thought that dad always arranged those things properly and now they realise that is not the case. This makes it even more of a headache then it already is and doens't make the process any easier to deal with.
Tiny started clearing out the cupboards already and gave away or put away quite a lot of dad's clothing. Angela now uses dad's Volvo jacket which he about lived in, so that gives quite a weird feeling. Everyone knows this is going to be a long long time before life returns to a form of normality and even then: it's not normal anymore as one important person is missing. We will feel the shock for a long time to come.

Following on from that: I want to thank everyone who has been thinking about us during this difficult time in our lives. It's great to know people care, no matter where they are! And thanks to my mum & dad and some of our friends who were there during the condolence on Friday evening and/or the cremation service on Saturday morning. It meant a lot to Angela and me knowing that people who had not even met dad before, or who'd met him only for a short period of time, were there for us. Who set aside their problems and just came, only to support us.
Thank you all for that! It was much appreciated and brought tears to our eyes (literally), hopefully we can count on your support for the time ahead!

I would like to write even more, but unfortunately that's not a good idea. So I will leave that to next time.