Yesterday I started with an update which I have deleted again today. I want to tell you all how those last couple of days with dad were, how it all went, what happened in the last week or so...but everytime I start it doesn't feel right.
Stupid huh? So much happened, I want to write it down to remember it later on, and I can't get myself to actually type (or write in my offline diary) down the words. You will see that update when I am ready for it, I guess.

The only thing I can say about it now is that dad died Tuesday morning 22th of March 9:25. It was good for him that the end was there. He didn't want to suffer but he has for a short while. He died with Angela's youngest sister and dad's girfriend at his side. In his own home, which is good, I think. After Tuesday, or already the same day, the big arranging starts. There is so much to arrange especially because their dad was the last one to go. And also because of the service, the music etc. And trust me: that is only the tip of the iceberg in the next couple of weeks or months everything else needs to be arranged.

Then Friday evening we had the condolence and Saturday morning the cremation ceremony. It was really touching, really nice and really emotional. They had picked out the music together and Angela had put the music on 1 cd. So that it was easier and it was really something she wanted to do. She has also speeched and her youngest sister too...both were very emotional. Also Tiny speeched (just a short one but she managed) and dad's best friend. That was difficult to listen to and I imagine even harder to do...but it brought a personal touch to it all. Also the music: they picked dad's favorites and the music was nice but also really intense. I think, if dad is in a place where he can see us, that he has been looking at it with a smile on his face! The grandchildren were also involved: they laid roses on the coffin. Yes, I hope that dad would have approved had he been there to witness it.

And then after the ceremony you go to their house with a lot of extra family and you eat and drink a bit and talk about everything. And even though the whole house is full with people: it's still not right, it's all wrong and it all doesn't fit. It is just wrong! Even though it is so full you DO miss the person, you just do!

Now comes all the rest. The quarreling in the family: we do have a really good contact with Angela's youngest sister now but both sister have got a problem with the middle sister... The arranging of everything. And now starts the: having to get used to/acceptance period. Our feeling still says it's not true, that it's all just a bad dream and that we'll wake up and call him and he'll just pick up the phone. It is a bad dream, but we are totally awake and it did happen!

I've also been talking a lot with Angela, but also with other people, about what happens when you do. It's a fascinating subject and I just don't know. Probably we'll never know until we die and then we can't communicate it anymore. But anyway, it is good talking about it. Looking at possibilities. I might tell you more about those talks later on. And it's interesting how things like this drive some people closer together and some people more apart. Strange how that works. It's something you don't want to experience but I guess you have to make sure you are prepared so your children/family/other next of kin are not left wondering or guessing how you would have wanted it. Where certain things need to go, etc...

Dad, if you are here, if you can read this somehow: thank you for being a wonderful father-in-law for the past 6 years. It was great getting to know you, thanks for the cups of coffee, the wise words and jokes and the great apple cake. It's no use for me to try and make it as it's your apple cake and it will always stay that way! We are going through a tough time right now, also still having other problems in the background, but I want you to know that I'll be there for Angela as good as I can. I love your daughter with all my heart and I'll try my utmost to get us through this. I want to protect her from the hurt and the problems but I realise that that is something I can't do. I'll be there for her though, give her a shoulder to cry on, let her talk about everything she needs to arrange and take care of, and let her talk about you (most of all) if she wants to. Luckily I still have gotten to know you which is handy as I now know that some of Angela's character is so totally NOT a family trade! ;)
I will miss you, but I have got fond memories of you and your daughter has got even more memories. We will cherish those, we will laugh and cry together (if she lets me) so you will at least always live on in our memories and our heards!