Before I start writing my offline journal with everything that has happened over the past few days (I will write a bit more about that either tomorrow or the day after in my online journal) I just had to get something off my chest.
Did this really happen? As it all feels like a bad dream, like a nightmare, like it isn't real. That we will wake up out of this and that we will just call dad and he will pick up the phone like he always has.
It feels so unreal! Your head knows but your feelings just don't want to know, your feelings just don't want to adjust. It really feels like a nightmare. You know it happened, you know dad is not there anymore, but still it feels like it's all wrong.
Where does the time go? Things happen so fast, time goes so fast it's almost over in a blink of an eye. I've been with Angela for 6 years, I've known dad for 6 years too... The first time when I thought he didn't like me, when I felt all new to the family...that moment, that walk home with Angela was almost timeless. And look at us now: 6 years farther and we've just had dad's cremation!
I know we have had 6 years together and when you are in it a day, an hour, a minute can feel like eternity, like it will never stop and last forever. And then suddenly you look up and realize that moment was 6 years ago. Or 1 year ago, or a week ago. Time is such a weird thing.
I can't imagine not being able to talk to Angela's dad anymore. Not having coffee with him anymore or tasting his apple pie. It's all a bad joke! Tomorrow we will wake up and will just get him on the phone while he's sitting in his chair, right??? Where does the time go? Why does it suddenly go so fast? And why does it go slow when you are at work and the day just does not want to be over and then suddenly you are 3 weeks later???
The absolute most scary thing is that I will also go someday. All of my loved ones will go (either before or after me). And it might feel like it's years away, but then it's suddenly there. Just a blink of an eye...!