It's been a couple of days since I have written, but that's because the days are so strange, so draining and so quickly over too.

Tuesday was difficult to concentrate at work. Suddenly halfway during the day I felt so lousy like I could start crying there and then. It didn't have a work related reason, it just suddenly came up and was there. I told my office manager and we talked a bit, which did help bu it was still strange.
It is difficult to concentrate anyway, sometimes something happens and I'm staring at the computer screen for 5 minutes without realising it. Trying to read but not knowing what the hell it says.

When I came home there was a surprise though, which was really good and sweet. Angela and I boths sorta needed that. My good friend Phil had been to Kuala Lumpur to visit his dad some time ago. We knew he went there, also had some email contact but other than that nothing really. So yesterday suddenly this big envelope arrives and I saw from the handwriting and the kind of envelope immediately that it was Phil. I thought there would be a ST magazine in there (as I can't subscribe to that magazine because I'm not in the UK, I did subscribe but with his address) but I had the feeling it wasn't just a ST magazine but also something else. When I opened the envelope a little bit more came out: 2 t-shirts with tourist attractions of Kuala Lumpur on there and 2 Kuala Lumpur key chains. We had not asked him to take anything, we had not even thought about it...but he'd send it anyway! Phil, I know you read my journal: you are an absolute darling! You are weird but in a sweet way... Anyway, that did make my idea...until I visited dad that is!

Angela had already been at dad's during the day so I decided to go on my own in the evening. We ate hot-pot and after that I walked to dad. Tiny was not there, but Angela's youngest sister was. When I came there dad was sleeping and I was just shocked to see him the way he was lying there.
The stupid thing is: you think you know what to expect but it's always worse, it always hits you in the face, hard! He's really going downhill fast, it's so unbelievable.
As dad was sleeping I talked with Jeanette a bit when dad suddenly started making a really strange noise and we both almost flew through the roof. It's like hiccoughing why you are breathing in your sleep. (It has got a special name, I have to ask my office manager he told me this morning but I forgot.) But anyway, whatever it is called: it was a horrible sound. Then dad woke up a bit and Jeanette told him I was there too. He tried to drink but didn't even know how to do it, so the nurse helped him.
I don't think words can explain what it is like. To see someone being eaten by cancer, seeing them become thin and sick and all of that, within days. Every day it's worse. It's just unbearable!

During the day dad had been a little bit better though, it was worse now that he was half sleeping. Angela had bought a milkshake for him and they had joked about me not even being able to eat a hamburger properly even though I have worked at Mc Donald's for 5 years. It brought a big grin on dad's face: that way I don't mind people talking about me. Dad had also asked Angela to get him a milkshake and obviously she went and got him one, there's not much she can do for him, but at least that's something.

After the visit I came home told Angela a bit about it and we just sat silently on the couch. I honestly didn't know what to say anymore, I just didn't have any words. And me without words...it doesn't happen often and IF it happens something is definitely wrong. I won't even try to describe my feelings as the text won't even come close to what I feel and think right now. I guess people who have been through something like this with a loved one know what I mean. There are no words, absolutely nothing, to describe this!

After I had prepared my lunch and had my voice back a bit I called Phil to thank him for the presents, but most of all for the wonderful surprise! We talked on the phone for about 45 minutes and I felt a lot better after that. It's just great talking to him, especially because we can talk about anything, but also because he's just a great friend. It definitely calmed me down at least and it was great having to talk English again. I do miss working with him, we had such great times, but time flies by and you can't hold on to anything. I was just dead tired after that tough, my eyes wouldn't want to stay open, and I slept like a baby until my alarm clock signaled it was time to get up again.
Definitely a weird day (as most days are nowadays) but Phil's surprise made it a lot better. It's good to know people care, it's good to know they think about you... and some are just crazy enough to do stuff like that. He's crazy but he's sweet... (yes, you really are). So Phil: thank you for at least lifting my spirit a bit! When I told my office manager today he went like: I have not talked to him for long but I indeed think he's a nice guy. Phil, you are nice but crazy... thanks for being my friend, I appreciate it!

Today was nice weather you could smell the spring in the air. We've been working all day with the window open. Angela has been to dad again today (she goes every day) and also the GP has been. Today they started with morphine plasters...*sigh*
I really hope for him that it won't take too long anymore...it's just not humane!

Anyway..dad asked Angela for a milkshake again so Angela drove to the closest Mac...milkshake machine was broken. So she drove from there to another Mac...an accident had happened and it took her 45 minutes (while it would normally take about 10) anyway there the milkshake machine did work so she bought a milkshake and drove back to dad's. He asked her why it had taken so long, whether she'd had problems with the car? So she told him the story. If dad wants a milkshake he gets one...doesn't matter where she needs to get it from or how long it takes. That's a ways in which she can at least help a bit, but you still feel helpless. I think it's good for her too...it's special I guess. It's something that small but it means something this big!

I came home from work at 19:20 and we immediately drove to Henk, one of the other radioamateurs, as we would eat dinner there. Somehow that just started a couple of months ago and it's great. Sometimes we call him over for dinner, sometimes it's the other way around, but it's always great. He's living alone (his wife died of bowel cancer over a year ago) so it's nice to have people over for dinner. We like it with him...so it's a nice deal! Also one of the other club members was there and the food (sauerkraut with sausage and bacon, yummy!!!) was great (as always) and the evening was good.
It reminds you that somewhere out there the world continues to turn and everything goes on as normal. Even though it doesn't feel or is normal at all for us, for other people it is. Henk has become a really dear friend of us though and we can talk about lots of stuff so it was good to have something nice to do in this difficult time. (And it's good because we didn't have to cook or do the dishes as he has got a washing machine!)

We've been talking on the phone with quite a lot of people the last couple of days, our Ukrainian friends (Oleksandra just didn't know what to say and immediately mentioned that she would never be able to come over in that short period of time), her niece Ira (she didn't know what to say either, but her mum recentely died so she knows what we are going through), Kaye (she doens't have a lot of time but she's still there for me when she can), Phil (talking to him helps me to see some thing from a totally different perspective), Natascha (even though with this phonecall dad was not the biggest topic) among other people. It's good talking about it, it's good to know people care. Thank you so much for being there for us, for thinking about us. The situations is still unbelievably shit, but knowing people care DOES help!

Time to go to bed...you all have got enough to read I should think. There are about a million more things I want to say but then this piece would certainly be too long. And also: I probably wouldn't know how to put in writing what I want to say anyway...