Dad, the past few days and the emotions... (13th of March)

where to start? So much happened and is still happening that it will be hard to comprise it to one entry. To say that the past few days have been manic and an absolute whirlwind would still be an understatement. I'm trying to record everything that is happening in a paper journal, but it is even difficult to stay up to date with that one. It's just unbelievable how much things can change in the span of a few days, how much can happen so that you don't even know what day it exactly is anymore... It's unlike anything I have ever dealt with in my life basically!

Thursday

Dad was taken home by ambulance on Thursday, after the talk with the oncologist. He was honest and clear to dad, also speaking with him while looking him straight in the eye. The message: we can't do anything for you anymore and it probably won't take too long from now on either. Sounds harsh but obviously it is the reality. It's better to be honest and open then to lie about it I guess, as dad definitely already felt or knew it, I guess. After this talk dad was picked up with the ambulance and driven home. Angela and her youngest sister in the car behind it and Tiny in the ambulance. In the morning the bed had been brought, so that was there when they arrived. the weird thing was that no bedding had been brought...just the bed. So when dad arrived that quickly had be sorted. Angela drove home as she thought we had a single bed duvet at home and she was gonna get that for dad. She parked our car (the rover) at the walkway in front of the flat and ran in, forgetting to switch on the indicator lights as she had something else on her mind (obviously)! It's a one way street, no one cares, especially in the morning rushhour a lot of cars are parked where they aren't allowed to but you never see anyone. And yes...Angela was inside for a couple of minutes and she saw a city watch person (stadswacht) put something underneath her windscreen wiper. She ran outside and asked what the person was doing and the reply she got was: 'you are not allowed to park on the walkway so I'm fining you'. Even when Angela explained that she was getting a duvet for her dad who had just been brought home with cancer did the person repeat that she still wasn't allowed to park on the walkway. Unbelievable how heartless some people can be when they are in a position of authority!!! Anyway, in the end she realised the duvet was in her aunt's attic so she went there, got it and then went to dad again. So he's now lying underneath our duvet.

The nurse was already there too, they work in shifts of either 24, 36 or 48 hours. Depends a little on how much sleep they get in the, how many times they have to get up for dad etc. When everything was done Angela went home and left dad and Tiny alone with the nurse.

After an easy dinner we decided to go to the club for a cup of coffee and extra club evening and just to be away for while and try to think about something else. As she still had to do something with a computer there. It was good to be away for while, especially for Angela, as it is already difficult enough for her.

Thursday to Friday

Suffice to say that the Thursday night was a difficult one. Both Angela and I sleeping a bit but also spending quite a lot of time awake or just half slumbering. At times when we were both awake we talked a bit about everything. I did try to sleep as I had to work on Friday but I definitely didn't sleep through the night. Angela spend even more time awake and thinking about everything than I did and she also decided to go out of bed around 5 in the morning as she was totally awake anyway. And she was pissed off at a 'friend' of us, but more about that story later. There's so much going on in such a short space of time that your mind just doesn't have the time to make sense of it all. I was probably even more tired in the morning than I had been before going to bed.

Friday

Angela called me in the morning to say that she was on her way to dad's as the GP would visit. The GP is the person who needs to arrange the pain medication, so Angela's sister had called him and that's why he was on his way. Now they only have to make a phone call and any pain medication will be arranged. Angela told me that when she arrived at dad's he was sitting in his chair, but when the nurse helped him up to put him in bed again his knees just wouldn't take it and he just about dropped to the ground. That was really painful for her to watch and probably even more painful for himself.

Angela didn't stay too long at dad's after the GP had gone as he was just too tired and wanted rest. I came home after my day at work to hear that we would have to be at Jeanette's place (her youngest sister) at 20:00. As she had arranged a meeting with the 3 sister together just to discuss some things.

We went there and it was good. She said that she wanted to find a way for dad to have enough rest and to make then end as peaceful as can be, but also for people to be able to say goodbye to him. In the end we decided that the sisters would just visit every day and other people just need to call first. As Jeanette said that dad still has got the feeling that he needs to entertain people, that he needs to tell them what is wrong. And with us he doesn't need to do that, we are just there and then it is fine. It was good to discuss things like this and I felt like one of them. I felt part of the family and my input was valued, that felt good. We also talked about the death of their mother and how it all went. That there are lots of things you can't remember about those days/weeks/months and some stupid and weird things you will never forget. We also looked at pictures and talked about some memories. I think it was good for everyone to do this, to discuss things, but also to talk about the good and nice memories. For me it felt good as I felt part of the family in a way I have never done before. So yes, this was positive amidst all the negativity and difficulty.

After this we went to the radioclub and I think we were only home at 1:30. I was so tired that I did sleep all night, till about 9 in the morning. Angela followed me to bed about half an hour later and she also thought that she had slept a bit, so at least that was good.

Saturday

Angela was busy with some people from the club with clearing out a self storage (long story, more about that in a later entry). Anyway...she had borrowed dad's car (he had suggested it) so she had told them that I would visit in the afternoon around 14:30. She was busy all day so I would go there on my own. I have to say: I knew what to expect but I was still in for a shock. Dad is already turning yellow and it was just so different.

I did talk a bit with him but then he was tired so I retired to the front side of the room and had tea with Tiny/talked a bit with her. After that I said to dad that I would go home and I grabbed his hand. However, he didn't let go of mine, so I sat down next to the bed again with him holding my hand. He squeezed it somewhat and made the remark that I had thin fingers (which I have) and we made a joke about it. It was so weird though, that he suddenly noticed something like that. He also made the remark: sorry that I was so much of a laugh (sorry dat ik zo gezellig was). And I told him that didn't matter and that I fully understood that. He then said that I should go and I indeed went.

It is so difficult to see him like this. He's always been a really active person and now... He can't do anything anymore, needs help with everything and just basically feels like shit. He's not yet in real pain (I think) but he just feels lousy and sick and tired and all of that. He also remarked when I was there: 'I didn't know a person could feel so sick' enough said I guess! If there would have been something I could have done that would make the end come within 5 seconds I would have. It is terribly degrading and humiliating for him. It must be horrible to know that you are dying and that you can't do anything anymore yourself. It is absolutely horrible I can't imagine why someone must go through this. Yes, I can imagine why people can't live forever the world would be too small. So I can see why people die, why it is necessary. But still why in this way, why in this degrading humilitating way, why? How can God, if you believe in his existance, let this happen. We are his creation, right? Why let his creation suffer like this. We know the end is there, it's difficutl anyway, why let him suffer like this? I just can't understand, it seems so unbelievably pointless and wicked and inhumane.

We have ended up at today then, finally. We don't know how long this will still take. Angela says she's got the feeling he won't make the end of this week. I hope for him he doesn't make it indeed. It shouldn't take longer than is strictly necessary. It's painful enough to know we are going to loose him, it's maybe even more painful to see him suffer like this. And the rest just seems irrelevant, all the small bugs in life aren't worth anything anymore at the moment. Not when you are dealing with this. It all goes so fast, so unbelievably fast you don't even have time to catch your breath. Angela describes it as being in a nightmare but being totally awake at the same time. You hope that you open your eyes and it will all be not true, everything will be like the way it was and it turns out to all be a bad, bad dream. It is a bad dream, but unfortunately we ARE totally awake.

I do want to voice my gratitude for all the people who are there for us now. Who are thinking about us and who want to know how things are. It might seem like a small thing, but that is certainly NOT irrelevant to us. We are thankful for it. You know who you are... THANKS!

I'll keep you all posted