This morning I had to do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leave for work and leave Angela alone. As you will have read in yesterday's journal today is a very difficult day. And this is also why I didn't want to leave her this morning. You see, in the 6 years that we have been together I have seen her cry maybe 4 times. But this morning I had to leave her when she had tears in her eyes.

Of course what she said was true: you can't do anything when you are with me anyway. But my feeling said something different. My feeling says that I want to wrap her in a cocoon and protect her from the hurts , sadness and pain she is going to experience. I know that me being able to put my arm around her won't cover that. That I can't protect her from this, but still...what I would have given to just sit there with her for a bit longer. I tell you: it was hardbreaking... And the reality is that it will only get worse from here. That from here it only goes downhill. That there will be a lot more days that I won't be there to wrap my arms around her, because that I will be at work.

My colleagues already said that having 8 hours of work during the day might be good for me. As I will need to focus my attention on something else and won't be busy with it all the time. But it's so hard to concentrate and focus. It's so hard to not let my thoughts wander... I want to be there with her... I won't to be there so that I can wrap my arms around her if she would need it and want it. And now I can't. It's of course true that she will need to get through it on her own, but still. It's gonna be tough and I won't be there for her all the time. And that's difficult!

I just called her and they were in the hospital. The bed is already in the living room, dining table put away. They have had the talk with the doctor of which I will hear more later one. The ambulance would be at the hospital at 13:30 to pick up dad and Tiny. Angela and her youngest sister will drive behind it with their car. And then we will see... But yes, it's gonna be tough!