Tomorrow Angela and Tiny (dad's girlfriend) will go to the hospital for a meeting with one of the doctors. So they will finally hear exactly what has been done during the operation. Whether they cut away part of the bowel, or whether they left the cancerous part in there. What they found when they opened him. That's also why they are going together. At least Tiny won't have to drive back on her own if she hears something that comes close to worst case scenario. At the moment everything is still possible so we have to wait and see.

Dad called Angela this morning and far from trying to relax and spare his energy he makes himself mad about the fact that he doesn't remember what day it is or who visited him yesterday. He's just mad that he can't remember and he's driving himself crazy about it. Even though I think this is quite normal a couple of days after the operation, especially because he still receives some kind of painkiller... I'll let you know tomorrow, probably we are going to visit him tomorrow evening too, so I will update you afterwards!

Where does the philosophical mood come from I hear you ask? Well, basically from what's happening, reading friends journals and that reminding you of yourself. Trying to give them advice even though you know damn well that you yourself don't even follow it? It's always easier to give someone else advice than to listen to it yourself and live to it in your own life. Thanks to my background I'm a perfect listener when people have got problems and normally exactly know the advice that belongs to it as well. As I was lucky: I had a good therapist and I have learned an awful lot from her. And from some other people in my life, who's advice and soothing words I'll never ever forget again. The only problem is: it's YOU who needs to do it, not people around you. You need to be happy with who YOU are. No one else can do that for you!

I've come a long way, I'm not yet where I want to be though, thanks for a big part to Angela. Who loves me for who I am but also encourages me to change, for my own sake. And for people who came into my life when I needed them, like some teachers of the secondary school), but also to my (foster) parents and especially my mum. I have hurt her a lot, I know I have and it hurts me too. But I had to do it, I had to learn to stand on my own two feet. I had to get my footing for me to become how I am now I had to let go of them. I had to break the ties and start from scratch. I know this has hurt my mum a lot but luckily she now understands why I had to do it. She now understands that I have grown, that I have become my own human being. I can now also see why it hurt them, I can understand them, but I can also understand myself. I now see a balance view, not a one sided one. And hopefully for this I am a better person, also towards other people. I hope (and yes I still do hope this) that one day even my younger sister can see why I did it and that maybe we can try to become sisters. Even though I don't have much hope for that there is still some hope left. But I do hope that my testing times in my past will help me if I try to help other people, friends, with their problems.
It would be good if it would help me too though, sometimes I think I totally understand myself and the next day that's all gone...

I still feel insecure, not good enough, can't do anything right and why does Angela love me anyway? Yeah, I still do have those feelings, that I think I'm not good enough. That I don't know why Angela loves me, that I don't deserve her love. But those days are luckily considerably less likely to crawl up than let's say 6 or 4 years ago. Slowly I started with trying to accept myself, trying to love myself. I'm not there yet, it's still an uphil struggle and it's still so easy to slide back in the 'not good enough mode'. Especially now at work: making stupid mistakes and not even noticing them. I should not make those makes but I immediately slide into the 'I'm not good enough, why don't they take someone else, who doesn't make these stupid mistakes' mode. I'm still not good enough in just thinking: I'm also human, yes it is stupid, but not the end of the world. I'm not that strong yet! But I'm getting there. Since being with Angela I'm a lot more assertive, speaking my mind more often, daring to speak my mind, daring to show myself the way I think I am. Not caring when people don't accept me or the relationship I am in, as that is their problem, not mine.

I also know thought that I am quite high up already, not down at the bottom anymore. So I will try everything I can to help people who are still down at the bottom. Why not share my memories, my experiences and wise words with them. The wise words of people who have helped me with those words, if it helped me...why wouldn't it help others? And there will come a time when I'm even closer to my goal of self exeptance...the day will come!