It's so difficult every time to write something for this journal. I don't know why as quite a lot is happening in our lives, but the moment I sit down and start writing the words just don't come. Nothing sounds like it is supposed to and I have got the feeling that no one will ever read it anyway. So why bother if it doesn't feel good for me, if it doesn't feel like it reflects the feelings I have? I might just still have to learn the art of journal writing, who knows. Or the feelings might be too difficult to catch in words. I guess I'll try it again though...

Ever wondered how a big operation impacts on the person who has just had it? I'm not wondering about that anymore as I have just seen it. We have visited dad today and, to tell you the truth, he looked and felt like shit. He feels so weak you just can't imagine and he was still half out of it too. Probably this is not being helped by painkiller which he still gets via a tube in his back, it's focused on his stomach/bowel area but it probably still has an impact on the rest of his body too. It must be awful for him though, to realise that he doesn't even know anymore who has visited him this afternoon or what day it is today. He did say that he has got the feeling he will get out of the hospital with severe dementia but we told him that is not true. It's logical he feels this way, obviously, as it is only 2 days ago that he has had his big operation. What also bothers him is the stoma, as now he totally doesn't know how to lie anymore. Yes, before the operation a stoma expert walked him through what would happen and how a stoma worked, but if you suddenly wake up and have got one it is still completely different! We thought it looked weird though, must bigger than we had expected... So yeah, to say that dad is not feeling happy is an understatement!

It's difficult to see him lying there in the state he is in now. Feeling so lousy, having a dry mouth and just not knowing how to lie. It's also very difficult for him to get his glass of water from his nightstand so I helped him with that a bit. His mouth is all dry so they put a small sponge on a stick in the water which he can use to make it a little more bareable. He says that he also doesn't like the water... So an overall state of feeling particularly lousy. Hopefully this will pass soon though, as that is not exactly the way to get a hopeful outlook again. To fight against your disease because you want to survive. I guess the state he is in now he couldn't care less what would happen. Hopefully he will soon get more strength, get used to his stomach and will be allowd to eat and drink some normal food again. As this is just plain and utter suffering and it is awful to see him that way.

Hopefully also tomorrow we will get to hear what they have seen and done. We know he has got a stoma but other than that we don't know anything yet. Did they cut away the cancerous part of the bowel, did they leave it? How much of a mess was it in there? And least they didn't open him and close him immediately, saying that they couldn't do anything anymore, so that's positive. At least they could MAKE the stoma there. But for the rest: we don't have a clue what they found or how it looked inside. Hopefully I can tell you more tomorrow.Besides this it was quite a relaxed weekend, too short again as always! Friday we went to the radioclub, we always do that as it is sort of our second home. I'm trying to remember what time it was that we went home but for the moment I am blank...so not just dad has got problems with their memory then! Saturday we slept till quite late, then watched the second episode of "The L Word" while lying in bed (nice and relaxed but what an irritating episode that was)! We then got dressed as we still had to do some shopping and get some bread. I almost let Angela go alone, as I had just showered and I was a bit lazy but I decided against it and we did go together. You know why? I know this sounds cheesy but it is just a great opertunity to walk hand in hand to the supermarket while chatting. Especially now that it was still white and wonderful outside! I just even love to do the shopping together with her, am I crazy or what? ;)

Angela was quite cold and her back felt pretty bad after we came home from the shopping. So I made her a nice cup of tea and we sat down to watch some programs we had taped. The last part of the BBC documentary about Auschwitz, which was very impressive. Then after that the first episode of the new season of De Grote Beurt. I'm sorry to say but: my god, what was that lousy! I hate the camera work as this quick moving makes you nouseaus, there is a new designer (I so miss Norman) and the designs are definitely going over the top now. It really starts looking like the 'pimp my ride' show of MTV. I mean: for a Brassilian dance teacher: give her car a string and a short skirt and a tatoo, what the heck is that all about??? Unbelievable! I am so glad that we were part of this program in the first season when at least the designs were nice but still within 'normal' limits!!! Anyway, after that we watched a documentary which had been broadcast on National Geographic channel. This one was about the Oklahoma bombing of 1995. Quite nice, but they could have broadcast it in half the time. Repeating everything about 3 times so it drove you crazy! Also that camera work was just horrendous and made you nouseaus as it was moving so fast. After this was watched an episode of Enterprise so we now have another 2 to go. After that chatted a bit online, read some emails and then to bed with a nice cup of anise milk from Angela. I was knackered and slept about straight away.

This morning we only woke up around 10. So I didn't get to give Phil a call at 06:00 (he would have 1.5 hours at Schiphol for a connecting flight to the UK from Kuala Lumpur). - Sorry Phil, but I needed my sleep! Hope you had a great holiday though, looking forward to hearing all about it! - Anyway...we only really woke up and started doing something at the beginning of the afternoon. Arove at the club around 16:00, stayed there till 18:00 and then went to dad. Afterwards Angela did some computer stuff at a fellow radio amateurs home, which is in IJmuiden about 5 minutes walk from here. Then we went home and I started writing this journal. I have now also just talked to Lianne on the phone. The poor, poor sweethearts had a horrendous trip back to the UK after spending 2 nights and one day in Amsterdam. They only arrived home Friday around 18:45 our time, even though they should have flown to Leeds on the Thursday morning... *hugs for them* But at least now they will never forget this short break anymore! ;)

Enough for now, I'm gonna make us a nice cuppa and then have to prepare lunch and go to bed. And then the weekend is finished again. Why does it always go too fast??? I've got a lot more to write, more deep feelings and more things about work as well but I guess I'll leave that for tomorrow.