It's been a couple of days since I have written as there wasn't too much news to tell. And also because I couldn't really find the time to gather my thoughts or to sit down and actually write, for that matter. Now that Angela and Willem are busy with the computers at the club there is some time for me to write.

We've had a rather busy but enjoyable Saturday. As some of you might know we are quite interested in the internal affairs of Ukraine, as some of our friends and godchild are from there. That's also why we are members of a Dutch organisation for Ukraine and Holland working together (Stichting Platform Samenwerking Nederland Oekraine). Every half a year they have got a special day with different guests and a different theme. Sometimes also with a social event like barbeque Ukrainian style. This saturday was one of these meetings. As it's just after the 'Orange revolution' in Ukraine the whole meeting was about the elections and what all of this meant for the future of Ukraine. It was really interesting although some of the speakers were also quite boring to listen to. As they just couldn't engage the public well enough or simply stayed on ages longer than planned. Other than this it was a great and informative afternoon. We couldn't resist and bought 2 of the scarfs they sold. It's one with the logo of Ukraine, the word 'Ukraine' and some other text all in cyrillic. This in the colors yellow, blue (colors of the Ukrainian flag) and orange (because of the 'Orange revolution'). It's especially funny because no one really know why the color of the revolution in the Ukraine was orange. One of the suggestions is that it is the color of hope (rising sun) another suggestion is because Holland has helped and supported them for years and the color of Holland is also Orange. This is cool...I've got that nice scarf now so really feel part of it, even though the beginning of the revolution has ended the rest still has to come.

When the Ukraine day had finished we drove the hospital and visited dad. He didn't feel too well, unfortunately. His tummy is a bit inflated, looks like it's somehow holding the fluid he gets. He's still not allowed to eat or drink himself and only gets special fluid via a tube. This fluid has got all kinds of things in there so you don't get dehydrated and you do get most of the vitamins and minerals you need. He's been in the hospital for quite some time now and they still only do all kinds of tests and nothing else. So he gets a little bit fed up and doesn't really feel any better than when he went into the hospital. It would be good if they would finally decide to do something. But I guess we will have to wait and have to trust that the doctors and nurses know what they are doing.

Angela just told me something that I had missed. Coming Wednesday dad will have the minor operation first, for trying to get the stent in, if that fails then he will immediately get the big operation of removing part of the bowel. So basically that will be a really straining day again for everyone involved. Hopefully they will be able to get the stent in as a full blown operation would be really though on him at the moment. So please people: can you all send us positiveness on Wednesday?

All in all a pretty nice saturday, but... when we came home something happened that basically spoiled my whole weekend already: an email from my office manager. To try and tell the short version of the story: every day I send myself and my office manager an email (which Angela also sees) with the time I quit work. Sometimes, if I'm tired I don't just put the time in there but also some sort of remark. I did this in Friday's message too. Because my boss is now in China and there is an 7 hour time difference my office manager had asked me whether I could start at 8 in the morning instead of 9 (on the Monday). As I heard this on the Friday (so just before the weekend) I mentioned this in my logging off mail along the lines of: *sigh* that's gonna be a really early morning on Monday. Also I've put the mail on 'always' ask for a reading confirmation, as some customers have had problems receiving mail but as we didn't know we couldn't understand why we didn't receive an answer. Angela replied to my logging off mail somewhere along the lines of: did your office manager think of this, no I DON'T want to send a reading confirmation! And, basically because my office manager worked this Saturday and I get to pick up all the mails he checked mail on my computer and also read this message of Angela which was meant for me. Normally I would have deleted or moved it but now it had arrived AFTER I had gone home on the Friday. That is why it was still in the inbox and that was where my office manager found it.

So...the thing that already spoiled the whole of my weekend was the email I received after we came home from the Ukraine day and visiting dad. Partly it was about the remark from Angela whether (or why) he had installed the reading confirmation. That remark was not meant for him though and I can understand that that seemed impolite. I guess for that I honestly apologise. It was just a remark from Angela to me and when I came home and she had made the same remark I had told her why we installed it. She understood so that was that for me. I will tell him this same thing on Monday too.

Next to this he started about my use of "*sigh* that's going to be a really early morning so now need to go to bed really early on Sunday". Yes, the idea is daunting especially if you already know this on the Friday but other than that it was a fact, nothing else. I hated it but did understand why it would be important. Is that a lack of drive for the company? The thing is: I can't give my office manager what he wants...that I'm not only physically but emotionally entangled with the company. I can't do that...why? Because at the moment, considering everything that is happening in our life, it is already hard enough getting through a NORMAL day of work with normal working times. It's like SETI@home...I am busy with work but in the background all these other processes and thoughts are running and taking up energy. That's also why I start yawning at the end of the day: it just drains me. The problem with this job is that it doesn't matter what time you leave (normal or later) it ALWAYS gives me a feeling of guilt that I already left and they are still busy. But well...sorry...I also have got a life next to it. I work to live and I don't live to work. I already have got enough time to do what I want to do. To learn what I want to learn to get myself a job I really want. Because this is not what I would want to keep on doing. I want to get better in website design and hopefully ever get a job in there. But especially now when I am home my mind is busy with totally different things and as it's already tired it's even harder to concentrate. So also that has been put on a backburner now, it's still there of course, but I almost don't have energy for it anymore. It would be so good to work for a company where you can start at 9, finish at 17:30 and just go home at that time. No guilt, and no having to work overtime as that's sort of an unwritten rule. Because that's what it feels like now... and what it has felt like for some time already. That it's sort of un unwritten rule that overtime is normal and that you have to participate in it at least to some extent. And that if you don't do this you are not involved enough with the company. Like I said: it's already hard enough to finish a normal working day without falling apart, even without the overtime. And starting earlier because I want to be home in the evening... well, as I would need to start earlier I would need to go to bed ealier, that means there's still less time in the evening. So this argument does not really count, does it? Also: I can go to bed early but that doesn't necessarily mean that I SLEEP early too! Sometimes I lie half awake for 2/2.5 hours trying to get my mind to 'switch off', most of the time I wake up even more tired than when I went to bed. All of this adds to the fact that I just want to go home by 17:30 (my normal end time). If that is not emotional and/or physical involvement..then I guess I'm looking for another job again. My wishes would be: One close by with about the same payment as I have got now but with normal working times where you don't feel guilty if you go home in time. I'm just not the manager type...I work because I have to to earn money, I'm not doing what I like most. I like some aspects of my work and hate others. I don't have the: "yeah, weekend is finally over now I can luckily go to work again" mentality. Don't get me wrong...if you put jobs on scale then most jobs I have done only reach about 30/40% on that scale of having things I like. This job reaches about 70% so that's quite good still. But at the moment I certainly have not got the mentality they ask of me. I've got a lot of things to worry about and only one of those is work. Which I don't want to worry about when I am off work but I normally do anyway. How easy would it be to have a job where you don't have responsibility and where you really don't have to stay past your working hours. I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. Have been feeling like crying my eyes out all evening yesterday and this morning. Am I asking too much? Does what I want not exist? If so please tell me because then I know that I have to change my attitude. If my attitude towards this job/company is wrong now, then so be it...At the moment I wouldn't know how to resolve that.

Sorry for the long story people; I just had to get it off my chest. And please tell me whether I am unreasonable or plainly looking for something that does not exist. Would I just need to get on with it, work overtime so I hopefully won't feel guilty anymore when I am at home. Or is a relationship and your own trouble more important than work. Please enlighten me, as I might see this in totally the wrong way.