Well, after we'd been to the radioclub we went to dad and I have to say: I don't really know what to feel or think. Why? Well, what shall I say.

It's awful to see him the way he was today. You know...with a disease like cancer you have to want to fight it. You need to get or have the energy somewhere to do that. And it doesn't look and feel good. He doesn't eat and drink enough and he doesn't feel like dad anymore at all. It seems like he is already giving up you know. Like he's already giving in to the disease. Like he doesn't have the energy anymore to fight it and like he doesn't want to fight it, like it costs too much energy and he doesn't have that anymore. He's just sitting there and there's no positiveness no energy no..nothing really coming from him anymore. Angela and I talked about this when we were home and she had felt and had thought exactly the same thing. It's not dad anymore! And: on top of that...we both have got the feeling that if he continues like this...that it will go fast. Probably faster than anyone of us ever imagined it would.

On top of that we did start about the marriage thing. Dad's reaction was that he thinks it's not useful as he only sees it as useful when you have got kids. Fair enough. Also: (and that's also fair enough) he said that it was our decision but that it's not really the first thing on his mind right now. And that he really can't have anymore to think about or deal with than he already has, fair enough. And actually it was something that I had already thought about too! He's got way too much to deal with already. What did hurt me though (especially the way it came out) was wat dad's girlfriend said. The background behind this is that they have been together in excess of 10 years or so (after Angela's mum died) and are still living together like that. Anyways, her reaction was: 2 women marrying was about the most idiotic thing she could think off. Living together was already weird enough???!!!! Honestly, I didn't even react to this as I was basically just dumbstruck.

Suffice to say both Angela and I feel shit now. It's just so damn scary seeing dad like that... seeing/feeling like he has already given up or something. Then that remark from his girlfriend... *sigh*. But also: I guess dad is right. He does have other things on his mind right now anyway. And to tell you the truth: so do we really. Because in the state he is in...i'm very afraid that he might not even make the end of February, that it will suddenly go really fast. I mean...please, please let me be wrong...but that's both our idea at the moment. So for everyone who got their hopes up of us getting married any time soon: I guess that's it for now folks. It's not going to happen (at least not any time soon).

What also struck me (and this might sound really weird) is how much this visit to dad has affected me. Up until here I had the idea that it would be difficult, but especially for Angela and then for me because I have to try and support her. I like dad, but for me it's obviously different than for Angela, as it's her father. But anyway... this visit did more with me than I had thought it would. Seeing him sitting there the way he did... it transported me back to 1997 when my real dad had lung cancer. I had been living with a foster family from age 11 though and they feel like my real parents. My dad was my biological dad, but at the time of his death I didn't even know what I felt when I was with him. So it didn't feel like it was my dad if you know what I mean. Anyway...I heared he was seriously ill and I went there with my (foster)mum. It was awfull..the cancer had totally eaten the life out of him. I hadn't seen him for a long time, I didn't know what to feel or think of him anyway..and then being confronted with that... Anyway: 2 days after I had visited him he died. I don't think I was really upset as my feelings for him were totally weird and jumbled and stuff. The fact that had impacted me most was not his death, but seeing him barely alive 2 days before that. And when we visited dad this evening...this was what I saw in my mind while we were talking about totally different things. So it impacted me beyond anything I had expected and I HATE IT! Why? Because I should be there for Angela, not the other way around. I feel like I should be the strong one. I know Angela is being impacted big time too, but I already see that she tries to deal with it in a different way. She did some stuff at home with the website. We talked about our visit for 5 minutes, but that was about it. Until now we both have done something different, her sitting in the office and me sitting in the living room. So yeah: it's gonna be difficult. I guess we will support each other but also will have to give each other the space to deal with it in our own way and our own time. It just totally doesn't feel good at the moment. I don't know what else to say or write and sorry for having these pessimistic entries, but that's what's going on in our life at the moment. I haven't chosen it either...

It's been a couple of days ago since I have written, as I needed some time to gather my thoughts. And, to tell you the truth, I still haven't really. Because of dad's diagnoses this turned out to be a really weird week with lots of unexpected feelings and thoughts.Obviously there's a lot of uncertainty as we don't know yet what kind of cancer this is. Is it one which grows exponentially fast, or not? If not, then how much will chemotherapy delay what's inevitably to come. In other words: how long will he still be around? Weeks, months, years? It's all so uncertain and especially that is the difficult part of it.

This started Angela and me off talking, we have talked a lot in the last couple of days (not that we didn't do that before now, but you understand what I mean). And there's one subject that has been cropping up a lot: the big M. Yep, because of dad's diagnoses we suddenly started talking about marriage. Before everyone shouts: 'hooray, party'. I do want to stress we are still in the talking stages. But I will also tell you why. We discovered while talking that in all the 6 years we have been together her dad and my parents never met each other. The only way they could see each other would have been on our respective birthdays, but they just missed each other every time. Now, I always thought: they will meet each other some day. But well..now with dad's diagnoses this suddenly might not happen without help anymore. Angela then made the remark: "so we have to marry after all then, that way they will meet each other.

From that moment onwards we didn't drop the subject anymore. It's difficult, as really Angela has never seen the point of getting married, as you only exchange one paper with another one. We have got a contract which says we are living together etc. and which arranges all kinds of things and gives a cerain amount of validity to our relationship. But now suddenly this all changed. Because: IF we would want to get married in 4 years time anyway..then dad won't be there anymore (at least there's a big chance). We love each other anyway and we have done for the past six years...so why NOT get married. If we would do it now Angela can still have dad as her witness, he can still be there, pictures with the respective parents etc.

One problem would be: we don't have any money so it would be a low key event. Monday morning 9 o'clock type of thing, with normal clothes. And a party in our radioclub building with food from the Chinese. That's it. Obviously that would not be the ideal wedding, but we don't have money to do anything else..AND...because it's all so uncertain we couldn't be able to wait for too long and so would have to arrange it quite quickly. I would like it and that's also what I told Angela. I would think it would be cool to call her MY WIFE instead of just MY GIRLFRIEND! :D.

Also we have thought about who we would like to have as witnesses and the 2 we have mentioned it to are already looking forward to doing the honors. Even though we said we are just THINKING about it. We didn't talk to Angela's dad about this yet and neither have we talked to my parents. To tell you the truth: I wouldn't know how they would react. But to say they would be stunned and unable to speak for at least 5 minutes will probably get close. Angela's dad: no idea. I can imagine he does have other things to worry and think about which is obviously true. Both Angela's sister have married before and had dad as witnesses. I wonder how dad thinks about marriage (especially now)...and about hearing that his oldest daughter now might want to marry and have him as a witness. Would he be thrilled, or not? Would he be bothered? Is it fair to come with this now that he's just heard he's got cancer and it's not operable anymore? All these questions are flying around in my head.

Partly I'm thrilled that we are actually discussing this, partly I feel like I can't be happy about that as we would mostly do it to have Angela's dad still there to witness it. IF we would go ahead it would certainly be a time of very mixed emotions, having to arrange a lot, but also for Angela having to deal with the fact that her dad has got cancer. I'm not sure, it's all so mixed and that makes it difficult. What I do know though is that IF we get married I would like dad still being there. For my girl's sake...I would like it if dad could be her witness, that we could do it when he's still around. So that a couple of years later you don't have the feeling: why didn't I? Why haven't we?

We'll hopefully be going to dad's tonight for a cup of coffee and might start about it then. See what he thinks. I'm not sure what I hope actually. I would like to get married to my girl, but on the other hand the reason why we started discussing it should not have excisted! I'd rather have my father in law around for years to come (especially for my girl's sake), then get married within months because we won't have him around to witness it otherwise.

Life is so unfair sometimes :(