I'm sorry, but I'll stay in my depressive mood a bit longer. I just need to get rid o this and it hopefully works by putting it in my diary.

What the matter is? Just life in general, but I think I need to explain this a bit. Sometimes it scares me and it seems so pointless at the same time. At the moment my work is supporting both me and my girlfriend. We can just manage, even though it's quite tough. The thing is: am I really working (in excess of) 40 hours per week just to survive today? It's not like there's any money left at the end of the month, so I've got the feeling that I'm not saving up anything. Is that really what life is supposed to be? My days are: leave@8 in the morning, start work at 9, then work till either 17:30 (which not happens too often) or till 18:30 (which happens more often) and then be home an hour later. Then you need to eat, do the dishes and then it's almost 20:30 already. There's so much things I want and need to do but also need to be in bed by 22:30 at the latest. How are other people doing this?

Sometimes it scares me that I'm just working to be able to live in the here and now. Will I need to do this for the next 30 years? I can't even gamble with my job as we need the money, but doing this for years and years? And then not being able to enjoy life at the moment? What happens then? Work for years and then die? Or work for years and then not have the time to enjoy life with Angela anymore as she's not around to witness my none working years? I don't have time to do things I want, I don't have time to do things I need to do. But there's no solution as we need the money and I'm providing for the both of us. So what is the way out? How can I work, do everything I want (like learn new skills), and also still live? Sometimes the hopelesness just suffocates me.

There must be millions of people doing this every day. How do you handle this? I would like some advice as I get scared and feel suffocated by only thinking about this...and I'm just 29 for god's sake!

On a positive note: well done Ellen MacArthur! At 28 sailing solo around the world and breaking the world record! She's done it in 71 days 14 hours 18 minutes and 33 seconds, beating by 33 hours the record set in 2004 by France's Francis Joyon. I'm proud of her and Britain! (At least I can be proud at someone...not at myself but at a young person who has achieved something.

Hugs, Jacqueline. Please...any advice at all...I'd appreciate it!